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| So, I am working on grad school applications, a long, painful, obsessive process and annoying to experience for the second time.
You know what is really annoying about xanga? I come on this site because I sort of feel like writing about what is going on in my mind, but then i can't really say it because someone will get offended or my parents will see it or something weird, so then you have to end up being all vague and cryptic and boring. Either that or get in alot of xanga fights, but i'm a lover not a fighter.
Well, lately i've been hanging out with Laura and Pat alot at her new house. Its weird because less than a month ago, if I had seen Pat i would've given him a good slapping because of how he treated laura, but now i like him more than before. that just goes to show that anyone can have my affection if they even try at all.
we saw some really excellent movies the other night. if you go to the video store, rent "High Tension" and "Me and You and Everyone We Know".
i am thinking of moving to laura's which would probably be a good move. i thrive in environments with friends and with people my own age in general, and laura is probably my most ambitious friend, which hopefully would push the ambitious side of me forward.
at home, it seems like only the dragging-along, two-thoughts-away-from-chronic-depression, side of me is around. i think this is because at home, i am around people who are not in my stage of life, and therefore, dont directly understand it.
i was listening to the title song of Fiona Apple's new album, and it seemed sort of optimistic. and it made me think about freshman year and how i was so miserable alot of times, but i also had these moments where i found intense joy, and i would just roll on my carpet and bask in it. when i try to picture what happiness is, thats what i see...me, alone on a carpet, surrounded by papers and junk, smiling and giggling out like a baby.
and i really am so terribly sick of living on the edge of depression, i really would like to just be very happy. i was watching "the good girl" yesterday, and one line was that at first, life seems so open and wonderful, and then at a certain point you begin to feel like you are trapped on death row, just waiting it out. i know i am too early for a midlife crises, but i've been having one for the last eleven years.
i think my problem is that i put pressure on myself to have a life of "greatness" or something. i am tempted to try to stop thinking that way, to try and make individual relationships the focus of my life....to try and find greatness on a small scale..in raising my future children, making my little contribution to my future hometown. but even thinking that way makes me depressed, like im selling myself short.
ah well. i need to think of some gossip to put on this. the most interesting xangas are ones that have someone talking about other people. the most boring are the emo ones that wax philosophic about the life of the writer. sort of like mine does. so.
um well....becca and trevor are getting married, but everyone already knew that. lauras having an awesome halloween party for anyone who wants to come. i really need to think of a costume... now thats something that gives me joy.....thinking of halloween. God, i love it.
i havent seen johnny and kitten in quite awhile. johnny, kitten, if either of you see this, feel free to dial the number on your screen:
(301)253-4658
By the way, you both are invited to the halloween party.
hmm. laura's courtney may be liking a charming young man, but thats one of those things i probably shouldnt mention here, because i dont know enough about it, and besides i have to meet him to really decide if he is charming or not.
Pat got a new job at Merry Maids. it starts brutally early, and he's thinking already that maybe he should quit.
last i heard, Santy was pursuing fun, wild times and not-a-boyfriend up in Harrisburg. Me and Laura Houser really think that she should get together with Tim's friend Justin. We saw him again the other day and they would correspond well. Justin was dancing like crazy and i could see santy being right up there with him. two par-tay animals.
laura h. has been sorting out guys who love her. also, she got a cute little job as a "mother's helper", driving around this lady's toddlers.
God, i need a new job. i cant wait to quit Blockbuster. the managers at milestone are insane. they really shouldnt give power positions to sadists.
I am glad my brother is home. It is nice to have another college-y person around. he seems to have become a professional indie, though. he has greasy, black hair, and dreams only of horses. (uh..jk.)
the other day i was waiting at the bus stop to go to milestone blockbuster and this girl stopped her car and said she worked at the cleaners next to me and has seen me around alot and invited me to ride. it turns out she knows alot of the same people as me...she is 19 and went to Damascus high.
She knows the Ruffners, and went out with Alex Martin, but dumped him after he confessed his love. Now she is messing with dear Chris Foy, and according to her, he "really knows what he's doing". The other day she had a carton of cigs at his house, and when she went back for it Lydia Martin was there. She asked Lydia what she did with them, and Lydia was like "i can't decide if ill burn them or put them in the washing machine" and then supposedly lydia chased her into the parking lot with a broken bottle.
i told my driver that i already knew lydia was weird, about how she would call pat and say "do you have a source of joy in your life?" and she laughed and said that Lydia was even weirder than i thought, and to tell pat to stay away from her for sure. then she gave me her number and said to call sometime.
this lady at work said i look like julia stiles. i see the round-face, blond similarities, but not much else.
anyway, i need suggestions for a halloween costume. if anyone can think of anything i could be, please leave one here.
i'll talk to you all later.
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| hey
Jeezus....i am going to a job interview soon. i feel crazy.
is it weird that i love intensely and the hate intensely my boyfriend at intervals? and all the while he acts exactly the same?
a thin line between love and hate
i hate the world, my life, the life of tim, etc etc
if i do not get the job i will go psycho
or just try really hard to not care
i miss mount saint marys too much | | |
| I am slowly snapping out of it. For the past few weeks after graduation, I have been about as useful as a pile of jello. And not in a "too relaxed" way, more like a sad, miserable jello. I have this unshakable, paralyzing feeling of utter failure. Yes, I got all A's again, but still, I obsess. Over and over...."I have failed. I need to try harder. My college life was terrible, the faculty should despise me..."
As a result I am dying to go to grad school. The other day the lady from Drew called and was all "Where is your acceptance form! We need you here" Now, I already accepted to Carnegie Mellon and filled out my financial aid forms for that. But today, I sent in my acceptance/financial aid forms for Drew priority mail.
I know thats crazy and makes no sense. But its just, the people at Drew are so nice! I mean, the due date was May 2nd, and they still want me to come, more than a month later! Plus, some of the English faculty is already impressed, and trying to start up e-mail correspondance. So I'm a sucker for flattery.
I am getting myself into a big jumble. All of the professors at the Mount wanted me to go to Carnegie Mellon-- they say its the school name that will win me my professor job. I love Pittsburgh but I am not ready for a city, for a big campus.
Its like, Carnegie Mellon is my pretty, fair-weather friend who invites me to all the cool parties but barely has time to talk to me when I am there. Drew is the loyal, geeky, quiet friend who will spend hours on the phone listening to my profundities and fashion advice. In real life, I'd always pick the geek.
Oh man, oh man. And who knows if I am actually even going to grad school. Who knows how my scholarships will work out. I wish I could stop thinking of this but I need to keep up with it or i'll forget to fill out all the forms. Its like everything is hanging in the air. I have no plans.
Another side effect of my gelatin state--phobias. I have been absolutely terrified of the internet, and vicariously, the computer, the entire basement floor, and the door to the basement. And of course, that means xanga too. Only once have I been brave enough to march down and do a survey. Maybe I will catch up on my email soon.
I need to go to some type of grad school. I dont care much for "true love" or all of those things that they say are the "only things that really matter " at the end of romantic comedies. I mean, sure those things are fab, but if I found tons of that in life, but did not make anything worthwhile of myself-- never embraced an intellectually rewarding career-- I would toss and turn and think forever of my undergrad life.
All of that wasted potential! And I am not one to waste an opportunity. Rutgers recently mailed me an offer to particpate in a special 5-year law program, offering to waive fees and whatnot. Its like, "I have to do that! I can always be a lawyer and then a professor!" I seriously am going to apply.
okay, okay, enough of my rampant obsession. I should talk some about my personal life. I guess Tim and I are fine. I just can never understand why he doesnt feel the same as me about life. When I ask him where he wants to be in 10 years, he is just so vague. I guess one of me is enough in a relationship though.
You know what all this crap could be? This is what my mind does when there is no one who calls on the phone. The people who regularly call are gone-- Laura's in Ecuador, Tim's at Bonnaroo, even my brother John is spending the weekend with Caroline. Kitten is hiring people for her own personal staff, and Santy is like, really far away. And Becca is with Trevor somewhere, living the fairy tale.
And when no one calls, my mind gets all tight with thoughts, and the swelling wakes me up at 6 in the morning to run to the living room, avoid all evidence of Mount Saint Mary's, and wonder if today might be the day that I enter the basement.
*sigh* The only thing I have been willingly doing is watching films. I saw some really good ones. I wholeheartedly reccomend Spanglish and Closer. Especially Spanglish-- beautiful and so well written. And funny.
Oh! and I finally saw American Beauty. Its pretty neat.
Since I get free rentals I have monster list of must-see. I know movie reviews are awfully dull to read on a xanga, so I will just recommend the best ones once in awhile.
As usual, I am supposed to be dieting and working out, but really am not. Tim says if I take off 20 pounds, back to my ideal weight, he will get me a surprise and take me out somewhere special. Not that he's shallow-- I made him promise to. Otherwise I have no motivation.
I mean, who cares if I'm thin, when all I see are my family and the Blockbuster staff? My Grandma still calls me her "Glamour Girl". Although, every time she sees a video of Micheal Jackson going to trial, Grandma squints and says "Why do they bother that handsome young man?"
Generally, I am a very unfortunate Prissy. There are still some things eating at me that I am afraid to mention. This is probably better, or I will start obsessing about them again. For the sake of my waning sanity, please do contact me-- leave a comment, give me a ring, or just pop over. Very much appreciated!
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Name: Priscilla
Age: 21
Hobbies: Creative Writing, Going out places, Shopping
Religion: Roman Catholic
Computer type?: hp pavilion mx50
~*~
FRIENDS
Best friend: Laura Houser
Worst enemy: I don't know
Most annoying friend: That's kind of mean
Amount of friends you have?: I have about 7 real friends i'd say
how many best friends have you had before?: 2-3
~*~
BE A SHOW OFF
Are you..
pretty: sure
popular: no
interesting: yes
a good friend: yes
kind: not always as much as I could
fun: mmm if I am with fun people
fashionable: not trendy but i have my own preferences
rich: no
approachable: I don't really think so
~*~
LONGER QUESTIONS
have you walked into a door before?: yeah
most embarassing moment: The Christmas Dance- falling over, then puking on the bathroom wall-- not fun
happiest moment: I guess I havent had it yet
saddest moment: mmmm when i thought I lost my Governor's internship, that was the most intense
one thing that irritates you: when people talk behind "friend"'s backs, when people are pretentious
how do you spend weekends?: going places with friends
are you a good student at school/college/etc?: i am excellent
worst thing you did to a person: mmmm, haha probably sent them bad thoughts, gossiped about them
best thing you did for a person: buy them something
have you sung in the shower?: yeah
more than once?: yeah
have you eaten food off the ground?: yeah, who cares
have you hugged a stranger?: yeah, sometimes people are huggy when I just meet them
have you pretended to talk on a mobile phone only to have it ring during your fake conversation?: no
have you accidentally spilled a secret?: not accidentally
have you purposely spilled a secret?: yes
have you learnt from any mistakes?: yeah...always check your voicemail and e-mail
what is the thing you most regret in your life so far: i wish i'd applied to creative writing programs, maybe I will
~*~
MOVIES, TV, BOOKS, MUSIC
what is your fave movie: Pretty in Pink
what is your fave TV show: American Idol? VH1 shows,
what is your fave book: A Wrinkle In Time, Sense and Sensability, 1984, Farenheit 451
do you enjoy suspense movies more than romantic movies?: yes, typically
do you enjoy horror movies more than comedy movies?: they are about even
if you coud star in one movie, which would it be?; mmmm, the Kill Bill movies, I would be an action hero. Maybe Pretty in Pink, I can relate to Andie
if you could star in a tv show, which one would it be?: Buffy the Vampire slayer? thats probably the last one I watched
who is your favourite author?; Madeline L'engle, Ray Bradbury, Jane Austin,
who is your fave
actress?: Uma Thurman, Scarlett Johanssen, Molly Ringwald
actor: Johnny Depp, Will Ferrell, Chris Kattan, Owen Wilson, Quentin Tarantino
director: Quentin Tarantino, John Hughes, Tim Burton, Stanley Kubrick
movie character: Andie and Duckie from Pretty in Pink, Beatrix Kiddo and Elle Driver from Kill Bill, Derek and Hansel from Zoolander, Doug and Steve Butabi from Night at the Roxbury
tv character: ummm no one really
book character: Vicky Austin
what is your fave
movie plot: uhhh thats kind of hard
book plot uhh who knows, kind of general
tv show plot eh-- i dont like TV...the plot of American Idol?
do you enjoy cliffhangers? noooo
have you ever sat in front of the tv waiting for a movie/tv show trailer to air? no
~*~
INTERNET
have you spent more than 3 hours straight on the internet?: yes
what is your fave internet site: my email addresses, xanga, www.awfulplasticsurgery.com is fun
what sort of things do you do on the net: chatting, e-mail, xanga
do you have an email account: yes, at least 3
do people send stuff to it: yes
do you run a website: no
have you ever had an internet replationship HAHAHA no
\have you ever given perosnal details via the net? I guess, to school related things
do you have an instant messenger: yep...PsychoPris is my name
are there poeple yo dont know on it?: yeah alot for some reason
have you shopped via the internet: no, i need to try things on
~*~
LIFE
what do you want to be when you grow up: A Creative Writing/ English Lit College Professor
is it an achievable dream: yeah, i think so
will you get married: yeah
will you have children: sure
how many: as many as I get pregnant with?
do you enjoy life: for the most part
do you enjoy school/college/work: oh yeah, most of all college, i cant wait to go back
~*~
RELATIONSHIPS:
do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: yes
do you have serious relationships: yes, it will be four years this fall
do you believe in love: yeah
when did you have your first kiss: when I was 17 i think
where: eh
did it mean anything: yes
have you two timed anyone ever: no
have you broken up with someone for no reason: no
has anyone borken up with you for no reason: no
~*~
MORE QUESTIONS
what is your fave food cheesecake, pecan pie, spaghetti and meatballs, lo mein, sesame chicken, potato salad, corn fritters, Blondies
can you cook? no
do you live with your parents pretty much
have you ever run away from home no
have you ever broken a hosuehold item uhh probably
have you sworn at your parents yes
have you lied your way out of a situation yes
do you believe in "what goes around comes around": not really
how old were you when you first had a crush on someone: 5-ish
what is your fave quote
if you could be anyone in the world who would you be: myself is awesome
if you could be an animal what would you be mmm a gorgeous kitten like Roxy
if you could listen to anyones private conversations whos woud you listen to mmm my boyfriend haha
have you ever slapped someone yes
have you ever taken revenge on something mmm im sure i have in a quiet way
was it sweet?
have you ever doen anything illegal yeah
what?: no comment
if you could change your name what would you call yourslef Flannery, Casey
could you get away wiht having no lats name aka Madonna?: haha yeah
could you be a superstar: yes
do you wish you were famous: i should be probably
would you be jealous if a friend of yours was famous: no
would you tell the tabloids a secret of theirs: we could make them up together and split the cash
do you have an ambition yes
what is it: to get into creative writing, to get something published, to go to grad school for it
have you tripped over in public before: yeah
did many people see: yes, sadly
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1. Did you ever eat bologna with ketchup? ew that sounds ick
2. Did you ever eat oreos with peanut butter? nope
3. Did you ever eat sour-cream and french fries? i may have to try that
4. Did you ever eat caviar? yes
5. Did you ever eat sushi? yes
6. Did you ever eat something's tounge or stomach? no
7. Did you ever eat something that was rotten? yeah, prob from my grandmas fridge
8. Did you ever eat SPAM? i have a vague memory
9. Did you ever eat mushrooms? yes
10. Did you ever eat squid or octupus? oh yeah, both
11. Have you ever tried smoking? no
12. Have you ever tried pot? er
13. Have you ever tried coke (not the drink)? no
14. Have you ever tried crystal-meth? no
15. Have you ever tried alcohol? yep
16. Have you ever stolen something? no
17. Have you ever done something illegal? yeah?
18. Have you ever taken out the car, when you weren`t allowed to? no
19. Have you ever had a party, where you weren`t allowd to? no
20. Have you ever cried to get attention? no
21. Have you ever lied to get attention? no
22. Have you ever cheated on someone? no
23. Have you ever hurt someone? i think
24. Have you ever bungee jumped? no
25. Have you ever sky-dived? no
26. Have you ever rock-climbed? no
27. Have you ever gone swiming with dolphins or sharks? no
28. Have you ever jumped off a cliff into water? no
29. Have you ever climbed a tree? yeah
30. Have you wasted your time on this? of course not!
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| Sorry that I keep doing surveys. It is a way to let my mind rot after thinking too much.
COLORS!
-your hair? golden blond from a bottle
your eyes? Gray/Green/Blue
-your skin? pale pinkish
-your blanket? blue w/ penguins
-your razor? orange-- I stole it from Laura Santy's pack
-your carpet/floor? Uhh some sort of bluish?
-your toothpaste? light blue
-your high school mascot? green and gold
-your bf/gf/crush's eyes? gray/green/blue like mine
-your mother's hair? warm brown
-your toothbrush? pink
-your shampoo? purple
your current underwear? shiny silver w/ zippers up the sides
-your pen or pencil of choice? black bic
-your room? white
-your computer? black
-your bathroom sink? white
-your pants? dark blue jeans as always
-your current makeup? the usual- glowy foundation, cream blush, light eyeshadow, black liquid liner, volume eyes black mascara and "punchbowl" lipstick
-your mouthwash? i dont use that really
-your computer desk? uhh green, but i dont use that either
-your IM font? black
-your current text? black
-the closest book's cover? black
-your fingernails? au natural
-your house/apartment/where you live? tan
-your favorite? hot pink
-your current drink or food? diet coke- so brown?
-your coat/jacket? black with a furry hood
-your mom's favorite? blue
2) Have you ever had a song written about you? mmm no
3) What song makes you cry? haha I hate to admit this. "Dance with my Father" always makes me tear up involuntarily, that damn cheeseballs song!
4) What song makes you happy? "Good Day, Sunshine" by the Beatles "We Are Family" by Sister Sledge, the whole album of "Blood Sugar Sex Majik" and "What Hits?!"
5) What do you like to listen to before bed? "Be With You" by Mr. Big, and "Wild World" by Cat Stevens
a p p e a r a n c e
HEIGHT: 5'9
PIERCINGS: one hole in each ear
TATTOOS: none
r i g h t n o w
WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENING TO?: D'yer Makr by Led Zeppelin
WHAT TASTE IS IN YOUR MOUTH?: Keystone Light
WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE?: Its Lukewarm
HOW ARE YOU?: I am okay, I am too relaxed, I should be doing work but I just finshed so much crap I feel like a break.
GET MOTION SICKNESS?: If I don't look out the window, or read in the car
HAVE A BAD HABIT?: I have not much common sense, so that makes for lots of bad habits. uhh...I am very messy, disorganized, I am always late for everything!
GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS?: It depends
LIKE TO DRIVE?: No way!
h a v e y o u
BROKEN THE LAW: hmmm in minor ways
RAN AWAY FROM HOME: no
SNUCK OUT OF THE HOUSE: no my mom and dad would sooo notice. My dad has super sensitive ears, he hears every sound in the house in his sleep
EVER GONE SKINNY DIPPING: no
MADE A PRANK PHONE CALL: yeah but im bad at it-- im mostly an accomplice
EVER TIPPED OVER A PORTA POTTY: no thats pretty mean
USED YOUR PARENTS' CREDIT CARD BEFORE: no, im not even allowed to use my own credit card!
SKIPPED SCHOOL BEFORE: yeah I havent gone to a few classes, but always with good reason
FELL ASLEEP IN THE SHOWER/BATH: hmm I'm sure I did freshman year
BEEN IN A SCHOOL PLAY: No, unfortunately
LET A FRIEND CRY ON YOUR SHOULDER: yeah, but rarely
l o v e
BOYFRIEND: Tim Balcer
GIRLFRIEND: Havent had one of those
SEXUALITY: Straight
CHILDREN: I dont have any-- I want to have maybe 4 or so
CURRENT CRUSH[ES]: Constantine on American Idol...er...just kidding Tim
HAVE YOU BEEN IN LOVE?: yes
HAD A HARD TIME GETTING OVER SOMEONE: yeah, in high school it made me depressed, the first guy I asked out said no
BEEN HURT?: uhh yeah but looking back it wasnt really serious at all-- I was just horomonal with a crush
YOUR GREATEST REGRET: I'm not sure...maybe being so mean to Mike at prom, maybe not applying to a creative writing program like I wanted
GONE OUT WITH A SOMEONE FOR ONLY THREE DAYS: uhh no
r a n d o m
DO YOU HAVE A JOB: yeah, library
YOUR CD PLAYER HAS IN IT RIGHT NOW: Ziggy Stardust by David Bowie, White Stripes Elephant
IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?: Hot Pink
WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?: going out to fast food, being done with work, roller coasters, New York cheesecake, dressing up cute
WHAT'S THE NEXT CD YOU'RE GONNA GET?: Me and Tim might get the Killers "Hot Fuss", but I download everything else
TIME YOU CRIED?: hmmm....a few weeks ago, when I got Dr. Heath's first critique back
GOT A REAL LETTER?: A week ago from Grandma Rita
YOU GOT E-MAIL: a few minutes ago
THING YOU PURCHASED: Turquoise prom gown, Guess bag, pink necklace and earrings that matched, a fur wrap, makeup, bra (all for prom)
TV PROGRAM YOU WATCHED: Seinfeld
MOVIE YOU SAW AT THE THEATER: Sideways
y o u r t h o u g h t s o n
ABORTION: I am 100% against abortion. It is evil, and should be illegal.
SPICE GIRLS: I heart Spice Girls. They rock my socks
DREAMS: I hope dreams mean nothing because mine bring to light some strange thoughts and desires that I am sure I dont have | | |
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